In today’s world, where divorce rates are alarmingly high—up to 60% in some countries and regions—it’s time to revisit an age-old yet urgent question: Can love really last?
For generations, we believed that as long as two people loved each other, they would “live happily ever after.” But real life tells a different story: Love alone does not guarantee a lasting relationship. Many couples who were once passionately in love eventually part ways in silence, frustration, and disappointment.
So the real question becomes: How can we “practice” love? How can we build a relationship that is truly resilient and lasting?
Real Intimacy Also Requires “Beast Training”
Let’s start with an unlikely comparison: the boot camp at West Point Military Academy.
On the very first day, at 6:30 a.m. in the solemn Eisenhower Hall, new cadets have just 90 seconds to say goodbye to their families. What follows is six weeks of intense “beast training”—early mornings at 5:30, marching under the hot sun, assembling firearms, camping outdoors, and being completely cut off from the outside world.
It may sound like a military movie, but this is real-life psychological and physical stress testing. Psychologist Mike Matthews explains: “We intentionally push them to make choices under pressure. This isn’t about torture—it’s about building their resilience and decision-making under stress.”
Interestingly, psychologists later discovered that the mental challenges of long-term intimate relationships closely resemble this “beast training.” The early romance may be sweet and effortless, but real love is tested in the difficult moments—conflict, stress, disagreements, or life upheavals.
Whether couples can endure these “emotional boot camps” determines whether the relationship will last.
Many people assume that “true love” means no fights, no exhaustion, no hurt. But in truth, true love isn’t the absence of problems—it’s the willingness to face and solve them together.
Love and Meaning: Viktor Frankl’s Wisdom on Survival
During World War II, psychiatrist Viktor Frankl survived Nazi concentration camps, even after losing his family and witnessing the collapse of human morality. What kept him alive was a deep conviction: Life has meaning.
In his book Man’s Search for Meaning, he introduced “logotherapy”—a method based on shifting focus away from oneself. When people fixate too much on their own feelings, they often spiral into anxiety and suffering. But if we redirect attention from “me” to “us,” and from “present dissatisfaction” to “shared goals,” we can find strength and clarity.
This idea applies directly to relationships. When partners obsess over “How do I feel right now?” they easily lose sight of what “we” are going through together. A better question might be: “How can we move forward, together?”
Frankl taught us a profound truth: Pain isn’t the enemy. Losing purpose is.
We can’t avoid friction with our partners, but if we treat each conflict as a chance to grow together, our relationship becomes stronger, not weaker.
The True Test of Love Isn’t Romance—It’s Grit
Psychologist Angela Duckworth introduced a groundbreaking idea: Grit is essential in maintaining a relationship. Grit is the ability to persevere and stay committed through challenges.
In her study of West Point cadets, she found that those with higher grit scores were 60% more likely to complete training. Similarly, in a long-term study tracking over 6,300 middle-aged adults, those with high levels of grit were 17% more likely to stay in stable, long-term marriages.
Love isn’t just about emotions—it’s a skill, a form of emotional endurance that drives us to keep going, even when things get tough.
Instead of asking “Is this relationship a mistake?” or “Are we just incompatible?” gritty people ask, “How can we fix this?” and “Can we get through this phase together?”
Real love is not a 100-meter sprint. It’s a marathon.
Arguing Isn’t the Problem—Avoidance Is
Renowned relationship expert John Gottman once said: “Lasting marriages aren’t without conflict—they’re built on the ability to express dissatisfaction honestly.”
Research shows that conflict is not a threat—emotional withdrawal and avoidance are. Regular, honest disagreements within safe boundaries serve as emotional health checkups for the relationship.
Couples who talk openly about disappointments and fears tend to be more stable in the long run. Psychological “secure attachment” is based on open communication, empathy, and emotional safety—not artificial harmony.
Love Is a Skill That Must Be Trained
Harvard’s Grant Study revealed that individuals who scored high in emotional regulation also tended to have healthier long-term relationships. In a surprising twist, even a treadmill endurance test revealed something unexpected: Those who could stay on the treadmill longer also had more stable romantic relationships.
It wasn’t about physical strength—it was about mental stamina.
Love was never meant to be automatic. It’s a skill that must be cultivated—with patience, commitment, and a willingness to weather each storm, together.
As George Vaillant, the lead researcher of the Grant Study, famously put it:
“There are only two pillars of happiness. One is love. The other is finding a way of coping with life that does not push love away.”
3 Psychological “Muscles” That Make Love Last
- Train your ability to love – Like a West Point cadet, you must keep practicing, adapting, and growing within your relationship.
- Find shared meaning – When your relationship has a shared mission, love becomes more than a feeling—it becomes a purpose.
- Develop grit – Love needs not only affection, but also the tenacity to keep going, especially when it’s hardest.
In a world of rising divorce rates, it’s not that we’ve stopped needing love—we simply haven’t yet learned how to love better.
So here’s to being the kind of person who’s willing to practice love, even in the hardest of times.